Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It is going to be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour till the drone flies")

Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable h2o. But Certainly, certain, let's have another spot the place American Adult men can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: present Anyone a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is gentle ability," mentioned Trump Tower Damascus political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It truly is that he ought to cease working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."

Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, labeled.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after finding the making's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.

"It's not simply ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Options

Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Management established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

Regional Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing System: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"

The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."

Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:

"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it'd stabilize the world"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"

The task is already attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, which includes:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will even contain:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Area Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to wait around to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a resort the place my PTSD may have flip-down provider."

Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:

China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."